One Breath at a Time

Happy holidays, my lovelies. I’m coming back to you battered and humble as my family and I deal with the loss of my grandmother. She was magnificent. She left peacefully at 93. I didn’t say or do all I should have. I must work through that each day. The temptation to weep without end is there. The temptation to hate myself is even stronger. But it is pushing me in other relationships in my life. Leaving things unsaid is not always a good thing. Yes there’s a time and place for everything. But we must sit still long enough to consider that the time may very well be now. Fear is such a cunning deterrent. It’s the worst god damn lie we tell ourselves. The “next time, I will” and the “as soon as I get the words together” plans are holograms; false safety nets. For there is no guarantee for more time, different circumstance, or suitable environments. No job or plan or network should trump relationships with those you love.

Express your love.
Say you’re sorry.
Listen to your soul and act accordingly.

The last words my Granny said to me were thank you. It’s ironic considering it is she who I will thank and honor the rest of my days.

11.25.2012
paper thin skin
strains against time and circumstance
I kiss her hand
once
twice
then once more

An infinite pause
she thanks me
and I die of gratitude

pain and waiting eat away
at my optimism
so I tuck what’s left behind
the crocheted pillow

i read her psalms
and bleed from the inside
for things i cant change

she drifts off
and I step out to nothing
to return tomorrow

-BB

20121225-230605.jpg

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5 thoughts on “One Breath at a Time

  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Your words radiate the deep love you held and still hold for her. Be good to yourself and let go of shoulda coulda woulda…you did your best and as you have said our best is more than enough. I have told myself your wisdom as I face my own loss and it has helped me to build a fortress against my own regret. I keep you in my good thoughts. Creator bless you and your family and send Peace. May your grandmother’s spirit shine on you from her place among the stars.

    Hugs and much love,

    Rena

    • Oh, Rena, how I miss you! Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words. I hope that you are well and that we can connect soon. It’s getting a little easier but it’s crazy the things that set me into a wave of grief. It is a comfort to know I have an earth angel like you on my side. Miss you much.

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