Passion vs. Obligation: My Life as an Undercover Girl

I am banging my head against a wall in the name of livable wages with decent benefits. However, the dream I have been hiding offers me none of those things. At least not as I pay my dues. So, I wait. And then I step out to another first kiss of chance. It’s sweet and a homecoming, and it feeds every bit of my soul. I’m proud and fulfilled and I’m the kind of fly I want to be. Because it’s the real me. Then, I go home. And the shit storm begins. Obligation and possibility collide. I’m a hot mama on a hamster wheel, people. Finding time and new ways to make words a successful career is an infuriating addiction. I know better than to stop, though. Squandering my gift is both self-destructive and a sin.
This is not about going hard, or hustle, or focus. We often tell ourselves we need to push harder, be stronger, work more diligently. This is about faith. In what I know I’m supposed to do and what I know I am responsible for (kids, bills, job). I half-ass believe the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but half-ass don’t cut it when it comes to risk. No one arrived at a tipping point being coy. I know I cloud my path more than any life decision ever could. The mind is a mean muthafuckah. I got a great heart, and I so wish I would listen to it more.

What do you do to push past your fears and follow your heart? Throw Betty a bone before I end up lookin’ like Oprah in Women of Brewster Place.

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7 thoughts on “Passion vs. Obligation: My Life as an Undercover Girl

  1. Be wise. Work at what you need to to pay the bills and savour each moment of feeding your creativity. We’re in the same boat – you’re worth every, single step in the direction of your intuition.

  2. I slave away at my job as a teacher. I pour out everything I have to my students, who sometimes drop it to the group like a burger wrapper or any other piece of trash to be stomped upon by the masses during rush hour. Yet, there is still something in me that pushes me to seek my creative purpose. Sometimes I become so angry because while I’m feeding everybody else I can’t feed myself. But it is what it is. I believe in serendipity, and I keep hoping that someday I will stumble upon that “thing” that will change my life and allow me to be more than just a servant.

    • I so appreciate your comments, Tee. I strive to keep connecting with sisters like yourself as we all seem to be struggling to find that balance. Stay up and thank you so much for reading.

  3. Kenji says:

    To offer some late thoughts – I agree faith is deeply tied into what we do, but during moments I start to lose that faith what helps me most is thinking about the my life 10 or 20 years from now and wondering whether I’ll feel like my time/efforts/energy/heart was in the right place and well spent.

    PS – Love reading your blog. =]

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